I was more than slightly disturbed to read that the Department of Defense is "underfunded, disjointed and have 'dismal prospects for successful results'" in their attempts, apparently feeble, to develop certain vaccines and treatments to bioterrist agents. While you will undoubtedly be comforted to note that there are working vaccines for anthrax and smallpox, such common maladies as botulism, plague, tularemia and the viral hemorrhagic fever are apparently lower on the list of priorities.

Curious if I should be stock-piling gallon drums of Advil and Therma-Flu in my basement, I did I little bit of reserach on the symptoms of these non-combatted illnesses. Below are the comforting returns of my efforts:

Botulism
The classic symptoms of botulism include double vision, blurred vision, drooping eyelids, slurred speech, difficulty swallowing, dry mouth, and muscle weakness. (Come to think about it, this is how I felt upon waking up this morning.) Infants with botulism appear lethargic, feed poorly, are constipated, and have a weak cry and poor muscle tone. These are all symptoms of the muscle paralysis caused by the bacterial toxin. If untreated, these symptoms may progress to cause paralysis of the arms, legs, trunk and respiratory muscles.

Tulameria
Symptoms of tularemia could include sudden fever, chills, headaches, diarrhea, muscle aches, joint pain, dry cough, progressive weakness. People can also catch pneumonia and develop chest pain, bloody sputum and can have trouble breathing and even sometimes stop breathing. (Bloody sputum?! I don't know neither either, and decided I didn't even want to look it up.) Other symptoms of tularemia depend on how a person was exposed to the tularemia bacteria. These symptoms can include ulcers on the skin or mouth, swollen and painful lymph glands, swollen and painful eyes, and a sore throat.

And, my personal favorite...

Viral Hemorrhagic Fever
Specific signs and symptoms vary by the type of VHF, but initial signs and symptoms often include marked fever, fatigue, dizziness, muscle aches, loss of strength, and exhaustion. Patients with severe cases of VHF often show signs of bleeding under the skin, in internal organs, or from body orifices like the mouth, eyes, or ears. However, although they may bleed from many sites around the body, patients rarely die because of blood loss. Severely ill patient cases may also show shock, nervous system malfunction, coma, delirium, and seizures. Some types of VHF are associated with renal (kidney) failure.

I'm going to go wash my hands and lysol my office.