Of Leaf Raking and Liberal Lies

My luxuriously lazy afternoon is being brought to a sad and untimely end, as all lazy afternoons are wont to do. The time that has long been dreaded and feared is finally upon us: leaf raking. Now, the second I say that you automatically jump to the conclusion that I am an ungrateful wretch who should gladly don boot, rake and cap to join in the annual American fall tradition of leaf collecting. But your picture of this chore is sadly skewed by the liberal lies of American media. Right now, prancing through your head, is a picture of a chubby little 11 year old child. He has on a plaid wool shirt and one of those grey hunting caps with the flaps that cover the ears. He has a porcelain face, barring the ruddy cheeks. The sun is low in the sky, but shining brightly, it's honeyed rays sifting and dodging amongst the dust in the air. The chubby little one is delightedly frolicking in a giant mountain of fresh fallen leaves, crisp and colorful as a bonfire on the beach. The child's thrilled giggles echo around the neighborhood, as his parents happily cuddle on the porch swing sipping capuccinos freshly brewed in their Starbucks Barista(R) Espresso machine and watching their cherub in his innocency and joy.

Please. Let's not kid ourselves....

This is hardly reality. As you read this, I will undoubtedly be in our back yard as the 17th inch of rain of the last 24 hours begins to fall. I will be dressed, not in Pendleton's yuppified glory, but a hodgepodge of rain slickers and Georgetown University sweatshirt. The sun, far from being a happy participant in this necessary horticultural exercise, has not showed it's face within a 250 mile radius for the past three weeks. These leaves are not color palates to take your breath away, contrarily, each and every one which you can distinguish from the mud they are thoroughly bedded down in is what can best be described as a puke yellow and gangrene brown. The soggy nature of these leaves (remember the 17 inches of rain) will mean only one thing: after 3 hours of misery filled labor, we'll be about 1/8 done. The only relief from the horror of our task is the Army/Navy game which is blaring from the portable radio. Though "relief" is a bit of a stretch. Why do the Army and Navy even have football teams? This is the only time in the year Americans care that Army or Navy is playing. And the only reason that they care is because it is the only football game on, and they are probably using it as an excuse not to rake leaves. But not me... sigh.

I go to blow the dust off my shackles, lock them in place and swallow the key.

Truly Yours,

Michael

would be nice...